


Who Ordered the Prophet on Rye?

by Taz



Series: Sit Down You're Rocking the Boat [5]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Frenemies, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 15:24:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7320742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taz/pseuds/Taz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Now look what you’ve done!”<br/>“What do you mean what ‘I’ve’ done?!” Amenadiel said. “Can he can see my wings!”<br/>“I don’t—I told you, he’s one of the complicated ones.”<br/>“Complicated my primaries! He’s having visions! It’s all that that…whatever…you…and your…” Amenadiel couldn’t bring himself to say it.<br/>“Blowjob? Spunk? Gizm? Those are the words you’re failing so eloquently to say.”<br/>“If that’s what you’ve been up to with him. I wouldn't know.”<br/>“Sounds like you and Mazikeen haven’t gotten past the missionary position! Good to know! I’ll have to have a talk with her about enlarging your vocabulary.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Who Ordered the Prophet on Rye?

“I know that expression,” Lucifer said. “You’re miffed.”

Amenadiel made no response. He had taken a post by the window, the better to present his broad back to Lucifer. He had his arms crossed high on his chest and was studying the city below with every appearance of intense concentration.

“All right, I admit it,” Lucifer said. “You caught me _in flagrante_! You can add it to the list of my sins you keep to tattle on me to Dad.”

“Luci, it’s not a question of tattling. I just don’t see how we’re supposed to put this so-called plan of yours into action if you let yourself be distracted by every little thing?”

“Detective Espinoza has agreed to help us find Our Mum, and if I have a little fun in the course of negotiations, it’s none of your business.” Lucifer eased himself off of the sofa, letting Dan’s sleeping form gently melt into the concavities of the soft leather. “I’ve done exactly what I said I was going to do. And just so you know, he’s not that little. Now, what do you want that’s so important it couldn’t wait?”

“If you’d bothered to return any of my calls, this wouldn’t have happened,” Amenadiel said. “I need to know what am I supposed to do with six hundred and eighty-four Facebook friend requests.”

“Confirm them, of course. Do I have to think of everything?” Lucifer tucked himself and zipped up his trousers on the way to the bar. There he found a bottle of Wild Turkey poured himself a drink. “I don’t suppose you’ve heard from Maze?”

“No,” Amenadiel admitted, sounding troubled. “Do you think Our Father…?”

“No. There’s no reason that He would do anything, unless Maze…”

“Unless Maze what?”

“Nothing. It’s that in the hanger, when Malcolm shot me…” Lucifer set his glass down, and pulled a laptop from under the counter. “I was dying—so close to death—but I wasn’t dead, so it wouldn’t have broken her bond with me.” He sighed. “I wish I knew where she is.”

“Why?”

“Because I think that she got the news about Mom while you were snoring your head off.” Lucifer gave the button on the edge of the laptop a jab and the screen sprang to life. “She’s probably lying low to avoid any hint of conflict of interest. Wouldn’t you?”

Amenadiel didn’t answer.

“I said wouldn’t you?” When Amenadiel still didn’t answer, Lucifer looked up from the laptop. Amenadiel’s shoulders gave a twitch that set his wings fluttering.

“That’s what I thought.” Lucifer said. “Now, what have we here?” He touched the laptop screen. “Oh-oh.” He bent closer, and then pulled abruptly back. “How did you come by your profile picture?”

Amenadiel was beside him in three strides, and looking over his shoulder. “What’s wrong with it?” he said.

“Not a thing,” Lucifer said. “Not a single thing.”

The picture was one of Amenadiel lying in bed. He appeared to be naked, although, pertinent bits of his anatomy were discreetly fig-leafed by his raised knee. No, he was clearly naked, lying on untidy white sheets, and it was probably an accident that the folds and creases of the sheets radiated from under his shoulders like the wings of an eagle, or an archangel. Additionally, the photographer had captured a soft glow of post-orgasmic bliss in his half-lidded eyes.

“I’m going to tell Our Father on you,” Lucifer singsonged.

Amenadial punched him on the shoulder.

“Ow! That hurt!”

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing. I told you; it couldn’t be more perfect! I was only wondering how it happens…to exist.”

“Maze took it.” There was the merest hint of smugness in Amenadiel’s voice.

“Oooo… Good for her! What a clever little demon she is.” Lucifer reached over and gave Amenadiel’s cheek a pinch. “And good for you, too. Don’t worry, brother, from here on in you won’t be hiding your light under a bushel. You’re going to be posting pictures of angels, and demons, the sexier the better.

For some reason, that didn’t seem to enchant Amenadiel. “Angels aren’t sexy,” he objected.

“Oh, please,” Lucifer said, pointing to the image on the screen. “I want you share all the filthy-bad-wrong thoughts you ever had about God’s most perfect creation, doing the dirty demons. I suspect you can relate. And I want you to encourage your nine hundred and forty-one friends to share their thoughts, as well.”

“Nine hundred and…!”

“As soon as you confirm their friend requests.”

“Luci!”

“One of them might be from Maze.”

“Maze has a Facebook account?”

“Of course, she does.”

“Let me have that!” Amenadiel tried to take the laptop away from Lucifer. 

Lucifer shoved him back. “I’m not done! I want to share this picture.”

They tussled back and forth, until they were interrupted by the sound of an ashtray falling off the endtable by the sofa. Dan, stretching restlessly in his sleep, had knocked it off.

“Lucifer?” Dan called sleepily.

“Over here, Sweet Cheeks.”

Homing in on the sound of Lucifer's voice, Dan raised his head but froze at the sight of Amenadiel. After staring for a moment, he collapsed back on the sofa, buried his head in his arms, and groaned. “Oh, my God.”

“Strongly suggest you him out of this!” Lucifer hissed at Amenadiel, “Now look what you’ve done!”

“What do you mean what ‘I’ve’ done?!” Amenadiel said. “Can he can see my wings!”

“I don’t know—I told you, he’s one of the complicated ones.”

“Complicated my primaries! He’s having visions! It’s all that that…whatever…you…and your…” Amenadiel couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“Blowjob? Spunk? Gizm? Those are the words you’re failing so eloquently to say.”

“If that’s what you’ve been up to with him. I wouldn't know.”

“Sounds like you and Mazikeen haven’t gotten past the missionary position! Good to know! I’ll have to have a talk with her about enlarging your vocabulary.”

“Leave Mazikeen out of this!”

“Why?”

Amenadiel hadn’t let go his grip on the laptop. He gave a tug and Lucifer slammed it on his fingertips. Amenadiel yipped and stuck his fingers in his mouth.

“Sorry.” Lucifer smiled. The smile vanished. “Not really. Serves you right.”

“Luci, this is beside the point!” Amenadiel said. “He’s mortal. He won't be able keep it up.”

“But I have no problems keeping it up for him. He’s got a great arse, and he’s very flexible.”

“I can hear you!” Dan’s voice came muffled by his arms.

“Oh, sorry. How you feeling, Sweet Cheeks?”

“I have a headache, and that man has wings!”

Lucifer and Amenadiel exchanged startled looks.

“How do you know that?”

“I can see them. Are they real?”

“Yes, he’s an archangel,” Lucifer said. “Although, he’s not being very angelic, at the moment.”

Dan took another look, then buried his face again. “Oh, my God.”

“Please, stop saying that.”

Dan’s reply was an inarticulate mumble.

“Oh, come on, Sweet Cheeks. Come over here. He’s my brother; let me introduce you.”

Dan sat up, muttering, “First the Devil. Now an archangel. I want to go home. You’re going to bring in an unholy demon next.”

“I would, but Mazikeen’s done the bunk,” Lucifer said.

“Of course. I should hae known that.” Dan got to his feet, and approached the bar with a hand up to shade his eyes. He collided with a stool, and climbed on it by feel. “Aspirin,” he said. "Get me a whole damn bottle aspirin."

“Your wish is my command,” Lucifer said. There was always a large bottle of Excedrin for Migraine under the bar. It was the only thing that worked for him. He fetched it, poured a shot of Wild Turkey into a glass and pushed both towards Dan. “The things I do for you mortals. What else would you like.”

“Loan me a towel, and call me an Uber.”

“Okay, you're an Uber.”

“Bastard.”

Dan shook four tablets from the bottle and tossed them back with the whiskey.

Amenadiel had been studying him.

“Something the matter with your eyes?”

“Yes. I have a headache, and you glow.” Dan made a motion like screwing a light-bulb. “Kaleidoscopic! Unless you have three pairs of stained glass wings.”

Lucifer and Amenadiel exchanged another startled look.

“That is...strangely insightful of you detective,” Lucifer said. “Brother, I don't suppose you could dial down the celestial rheostat?”

Amenadiel gave a shrug and shook  his wings. “Is that better?”

Dan squinted at him.

“You’re the lawyer who got me out of jail!”

 

“No, I'm the one who got you out!” Lucifer said.

“I want you to sue him!” Dan said. “He’s holding me here against my will!”

“I’m not really a lawyer,” Amenadiel said.

“That's a lie. You came willingly. Many times.”

“You abducted me!”

“No, technically, Amenadiel abducted you.”

“You almost drowned me!”

“I was saving your life!”

“You threw my clothes away!”

“As I said, I needed your undivided attention. Listen tome Detective Douche, you got yourself into this mess all by yourself when you shot Malcolm; it’s me who’s saving your career!”

“Now you're blackmail me!”

“Stop it!” Amenadiel thundered. “This is not helping us find Our Mother! Neither of you has a clue where to begin looking!”

“In the desert,” Dan said.

“What?” both Amenadiel and Lucifer said, in chorus.

“It is written— _her house shall be overgrown with scrub, and her forts with cactus and ironweed_.”

“What are you—?”

Amenadiel started to speak, but Lucifer motioned for him to be silent.

“Go on.”

“ _Her land will be a habitat for coyotes and lizards. There shall buzzards and owls gather, generation to generation. There shall the Lamia find rest, and be brought to bed…_ ” Dan tailed off and when it was clear he wasn’t going to say anything else, Lucifer reached over and tilted his chin up. Dan let him. His eyes were lustrous as opals, and blind with visions.

“Is that complicated enough for you?” Lucifer said softly.

“Obadiah, Zachariah, Joel, Jonah…” Amenadiel began reciting names, ticking them off on his fingers. “…Malachi, John, and Daniel,” he finished. “There's Daniel, but there's no prophet Dan.”

“There is now,” Lucifer said.

“Even so, how is that going to help us? The desert?” Amenadiel said. “There are lots of deserts on this world.”

“Even in North America there are more biomes that are not desert.”

“Don’t pretend you know what that means.”

Dan blinked, and his eyes were grey and clear again. “What happened?”

“You prophesied.” Lucifer mussed up his hair. “You beautiful prophet, you.”

Dan ducked away, but then grabbed hold of Lucifer's hand pressed it against his cheek. “Just call me an Uber,” he begged.

Lucifer’s expression softened minutely, and then his phone pinged.

“Duty calls,” he said.

“What do you mean?” Amenadiel said.

“I have a business to run. Maze isn’t here, and I have to work her shift.”

“What am I supposed to do in the mean time?” Amenadiel said.

“Confirm those friend requests. You don’t even have to go home.” Lucifer picked up the laptop held it out to Amenadiel. “One teeny-weeney, easy-peasey little favor, and I’ll give you the password.”

“What's the favor?”

“Stay here, and look after Dan, until I get back.”

“Hey!” Dan said.

Amenadiel took the laptop.

“What’s the password?”

“Isaiah14.”

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Dan said.

“Perish the thought,” Lucifer said, and caressed Dan’s cheek again. “It’s just for a little bit longer. I’ll check the lost and found downstairs. It’s amazing the things that get left behind at Lux. Used condoms, Diamond studded cock rings. I bet there's pair of pre-owned designer jeans that will fit you.”

“Wonderful.” Dan grimaced, and reached for the Wild Turkey.

"I'll be right back,” Lucifer said, and darted up to the sleeping level. When he came back he was dressed for the evening  and had a bow-tie draped loosely over his shoulder. He was carrying a black silk robe, which he handed robe to Dan.

“Pity to cover you up, but I don’t want all that Devil’s food to distract Angel Face over there.”

Amenadiel was working on his Facebook page and didn’t bother looking up.

Dan slid off the stool and let Lucifer helped him with the robe. As he was looping the sash, Lucifer took him by the hips and pulled him close. They kissed, and the kiss grew more intense. Somehow, though, as tongues were becoming involved in it, the bow-tie slipped off Lucifer’s shoulder.

“Oops,” Lucifer said, and bent to retrieve it. It took him moment to find the dark scrap of silk, and took the opportunity to run his hands up and down the calfs of Dan's legs.

There was a double metallic click, and then he straightened up.

“What the fuck!” Dan said. He looked down and saw that his right ankle was now decorated with a cuff that was connected by an 18-inch chain to a second that was secured to the foot rail of the bar. “No way!"

"It's not that I don't trust you Sweet Cheeks, but don’t tell me you weren’t going to try and escape; I've heard that one before."

Dan jerked and pulled on the chain, trying to quietly wrench the railing out of its base. When he knocked the bar stool over. Lucifer just picked it up and set it down firmly. “Sit down!”

Dan sat, and Lucifer gave him a quick hug.

“Don’t pout.”

“Fuck you.”

Amenadiel looked up. “Something happen?”

“Pay attention!" Lucifer said. "It's what I'm paying you for! He was planning to sandbag you and take off."

Amenadiel looked at Dan in surprise. Dan sneered at him.

Lucifer turned his collar up, whipped the tie around his neck and in a few deft moved had turned it into a perfect bow, talking the whole time. “Just so everyone is clear on their part: Dan, you sit there and don’t try to escape; Amenadiel, you watch him and make sure he doesn’t escape. The television is behind the wide panel in that pillar and the handset is in that drawer. You kids can buy a movie, but nothing X-rated. Amenadiel, make sure Dan has plenty of water—there’s a case in the fridge, and keep your hands to yourself—”

“If you think, I'd...” Amenadiel objected.

“I'll back by four.”

The devil shot his cuffs, brushed a fleck of invisible lint from his lapel, and went out to earn a living.

 

_Finis  
06/27/2016_

**Author's Note:**

> A prophet on rye, or wry - eventually, I settled on Wild Turkey, possibly it augments the benefits incurred when sleeping with the Devil. 
> 
> Poor Amenadiel - 7000 years old and only 3 weeks of sexual experience.


End file.
